scars, suicide attempts, and love
by icelily-love
Summary: what happens when seifer walks into squall after he tried to kill himself?


uSquall/u  
  
I couldn't take it anymore. The stares. The scars. Disappointment. It had to stop. The pain was too much. Everybody thought I was crazy anyhow. They wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't hurt anybody considering that I didn't have any true friends. I didn't let anybody near me. Didn't let them get to know me. The only one who knew something was up was Zell cuz we shared the same dorm.  
  
I've tried before. I've tried it many times. At those times though I wasn't myself. I know it's hard living with me. I can't even live with me. It's hard.  
  
I looked around before tapping my code into the panel to get into my dorm. I took a swift look around the room to see if Zell was there. Thank Hyne he wasn't there.  
  
I went to the drawer and pulled out the box. The box. The obsidian box. The box that nobody knew about. Why would anybody know about it? I keep it hidden. Not even Zell knew about it. It had my past there. They were fragmented sentences on scrap paper. It's all I needed to remember. That's all that was in there. That and razorblades. Lots of razorblades.  
  
I took one of the razorblades. Without even flinching, I took the blade against my wrist and then slid it against the other wrist. No tears came. I could feel the warmth of blood glide down my wrist and down my hands. Slowly I dropped down to unconsciousness.  
  
~*~  
  
uSeifer/u  
  
I had a feeling that something was gonna go wrong. I felt it down to the marrow of my bones. I just didn't know what was wrong.  
  
I was getting frustrated so I decided to go for a walk. I got out of bed. Not; caring if I woke Nida up or not. I got dressed. b[1]/b I left a note for Nida if he woke-up before I did telling him that I needed to go for a walk to clear my thoughts.  
  
Instead of clearing my thoughts. They just got worse.  
  
I was walking down the hall when suddenly I stopped at dorm number 586. I hit my head when it dawned on my who's dorm room it was. Squall Leonhart and Zell Dincht's.  
  
Remembering that Zell gave me his code. b[2]/b I punched the number in. I walked through the door and was greeted by a huge mess of blood. Blood everywhere.  
  
I ran to Squall and checked for a pulse. Sighing with relief when I found a pulse. Immediately I called Dr. Kadowaki to tell her to be ready. That I was bringing Squall to her and that he was a big mess.  
  
"Squall?" I said tapping his face gently. He was really starting to scare me.  
  
"Squall?" I said again when I got no answer.  
  
Getting really scared, I gently gathered Squall into my arms and carried him to the infirmary.   
  
Squall was totally dead weight in my arms. If he came to I knew he'd freak out to find me carrying him. Let alone anyone carrying him. I felt kinda bad for him. Why would anyone want to kill themselves? I knew he was crazy, but this crazy? Man, I didn't think he was 'that' sad. Sighing, I finally made it to the infirmary.  
  
Once I got in, I laid Squall on the bed that Dr. Kadowaki had indicated. She quickly stitched up his wrists and bandaged them up.   
  
Turning to me she said, "He lost so much blood. If you have the right type of blood would you mind giving some to Squall?" b[3]/b  
  
Without a second thought I nodded my head.  
  
"Then I will go tell Mica to get everything ready to do a direct transfusion. The faster he gets the blood the better. This time he was serious." Shaking her head, she walked out of the room.   
  
I pulled up a chair next to Squall. What's she talking about? 'This time he was serious?' It just doesn't make sense. Why would he do this? Let alone do it again? Was it for attention? I quickly got rid of that thought. He was all alone. Nobody around. Did he…  
  
My thoughts were interrupted by the 'swoosh' of the door. Mica was pushing a tray filled with all of the stuff that she was going to need for the transfusion.  
  
"Wow. He was serious this time. He looks like death itself. Dr. Kadowaki wasn't kidding."  
  
"What do you mean by, 'He was serious this time?'"  
  
"You don't know?"  
  
"Obviously not!" I growled out. She was seriously starting to piss me off.  
  
"He's tried this 5 other times. Never this bad."  
  
Sighing, I pulled Squall's hand into mine and held it gently in mine. Closing my eyes, I told her to hurry up and get it done with.  
  
"I hate needles," I stated to her.  
  
She hurried up as fast as she could and exited. I knew that she couldn't stand to be around me. I couldn't blame them. I was the cause of most of if not all of their hurt and pain. During the war, though I didn't care. Now I do though. I care about what they thought. About the pain that I caused. Most of all I cared about Squall. Not that anyone would have guessed it. They all thought I cared about Zell, but I only cared about him as a friend.  
  
I watched the blood flow from my arm to his. What happened if I hadn't gotten to him in time? Would he…?  
  
My thoughts were interrupted again and I saw Dr. Kadowaki.  
  
"How are you?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
She checked Squall's vitals. That's when I noticed that he had some color coming back to his face. Right then I knew that he was gonna make it.  
  
"I'll send mica in to remove the needles and to check his bandages." With that she left.  
  
Shortly after Dr. Kadowaki left, Mica came in. She took out the needles. She saw that she needed to change the bandages.  
  
Shaking her head, she said, "You should've let him die! He's a waste of…"  
  
I stopped her from saying anything further. Ignoring the dizziness I grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the wall.  
  
Growling I ground out, "Nobody should die. Believe it or not… I care deeply about that man over there! He's not a waste! bNOW LEAVE!!! I WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM!!!"/b By that point I was screaming at her and confessing shit that I never confessed to anyone before. I dropped her to the ground.  
  
She grabbed her throat. Staring at me and told me that she was gonna report me to Cid.  
  
"Go ahead. On your way tell him what you said!" b[4]/b  
  
I grabbed the bandages, a rag, a bowl to put water in, Neosporin, scissors, and something to hold the bandages together. I filled the bowl with water. I then got the rag wet. I pulled the bandages off. I wasn't paying much attention to how they were put on considering I had to do all this stuff to myself all the time. I had nobody that cared about me like this. I then took the rag and gently wiped the dried blood away. I can't believe how deep he made these cuts. How big they were, I thought while putting the Neosporin on. I then wrapped the bandages around his arms.  
  
Just as I had finished with the last of the bandages, Squall started shifting in bed.  
  
"No, don't leave me, Ellone." He mumbled in his sleep.  
  
"Ssshhh," I soothed him. I slightly smoothed away the hair on his forehead. I gently kissed the top of his head.  
  
His eyes flew open right then.  
  
"Seifer?" His eyes were like pools of stormy ponds.  
  
"Yes?" I would do anything to make him happy. At that very moment I knew I was in love with him.  
  
"Stay with me?"  
  
"Sure, babe. Anything for you." I curled up into the bed. I wrapped him in my arms and pulled him tightly to me. Quickly we fell asleep.  
  
I woke-up to a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see it was Dr. Kadowaki and I turned beet red with embarrassment.   
  
"Don't worry Seifer. I won't tell anyone that you actually care about somebody."  
  
"Thank you. I have my reputation to uphold."  
  
"Yes, you do. You don't have to stay with him. He's gonna make it."  
  
"I know, but I still wanna stay with him. I wanna make sure that he's not gonna try something else before he's fully well."  
  
She nodded. "I'll go and tell Mica to put another bed in here or I can ask for a dorm room close to here if you'll prefer."  
  
"Yes I would prefer a dorm room close to here for the 'both' of us." I empathized the word 'both'.  
  
Just after I said that, Zell came barging into the room. I wasn't even out of the bed yet. My reputation was definitely ruined now.  
  
Zell's eyes wide with shock. "What the hell's going on? Seifer did you do this to him?"  
  
Before I could say or do anything Dr. Kadowaki jumped in. "Squall tried to kill himself. Seifer here saved him. Went into the room and got him here as quickly as possible. Squall's gonna be ok. I'm moving him to the dorm next door to here. Seifer's gonna stay with him to make sure he behaves."  
  
Flabbergasted, Zell just left.  
  
I got out of bed gently so as to not wake Squall up. Not that I could wake him since he was in a drug induced sleep.  
  
"Doc, I have to go get my stuff from Raijin's and I's room. Then I'll get Squall's stuff. I don't want him to see the blood and mess if you know what I mean." I turned and left.  
  
~*~  
  
uSquall/u  
  
All I heard was Dr. Kadowaki's voice and Seifer's. Seifer's?!?! No! he wouldn't be here unless he wanted to hurt me. Why am I in the infirmary? Then I remembered and groaned.  
  
"Squall?" It was Dr. Kadowaki's voice. "Squall."  
  
"Uh?" I was starting to wake-up and I really don't talk at the best of times, but it's worse. When I am waking up. My eyes slowly opened up one by one.  
  
"Do you remember anything that happened?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do you want to talk to me about it?"  
  
"No. How did I get here?"  
  
"Seifer brought you here."  
  
"Seifer?" I was shocked. Why would Seifer do such a thing? He's always mean to me. Why save me? Unless he just wants me to live a little longer 'til he found somebody else to harass.  
  
Dr. Kadowaki broke into my thoughts with… "Seifer's been here all day and night to make sure that you were ok. He even gave blood."  
  
He stayed?!? He gave blood?! Is he going soft? Man, something's going on. I wish I wasn't so blah or I'd think more on this.  
  
"He's getting a dorm ready for you and him to stay in until I know for sure that you aren't going to do something crazy."  
  
I groaned.  
  
"Seifer is getting the both of your stuff together."  
  
"How long are we gonna have to be in the same dorm?"  
  
"Until I decide otherwise."  
  
I knew she was up to something. I know she knew that I knew, too. Just what she was up to I did not know. I sighed and got up.  
  
"Where's the dorm?"  
  
"Next door, but you can't go yet."  
  
"I can and I am, so you might as well give me the code."  
  
"Fine. It is 2986."  
  
I walked out and went to the dorm room, punched in the code. When the door opened I walked in and plopped down on the first bed that I saw and laid down. Hyne, I was light headed. All I did was walk a couple of feet.  
  
Panting, my mind drifted back to Dr. Kadowaki. She was up to something. What though? Maybe she figured that I'd actually talk to him . She can think again. Or maybe…Oh, Hyne, I hope she isn't thinking that. Please, Hyne. No! she's the only one that knows that I'm gay. Nobody else knows. Nobody here anyhow. Maybe that's…  
  
Maybe that's what she's thinking. Maybe that Seifer and I'll hook-up. It's not that he's an ugly guy. It's the opposite. He's beautiful. It's his attitude. The way he treats me. All he does is harass me. Maybe it's cuz he likes me, but I doubt it.  
  
Why didn't he just let me die? Why though did he give blood? Why did he stay with me? Share the same dorm? Why did he make sure I was ok? I just don't get it. Maybe he does love me. Or at least like me but, he just doesn't know how to express himself. One day, I should ask him. Just not right now. There's just too much going on.  
  
I drifted fastly to sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
uSeifer/u  
  
When I got to Raijin and I's dorm room, I punched in my code. Walking in I got my clothes. Thank Hyne, Raijin isn't here right now for me to explain why I had to move.  
  
iRaijin-  
  
I had to get my stuff. I don't know when I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I don't want to explain now.  
  
S./i  
  
I had scribbled down on a sheet of paper and left it on the counter where I knew he'd see it. I took my stuff and left.  
  
I swiftly walked down the hall to Squall and Zell's room. Hopefully Zell wouldn't be there. I didn't want to explain anything.  
  
I didn't think that even give the opportunity to explain, I could. Yes, I freely admitted to myself that I loved Squall. As weird as that is, I do. Of course though, I haven't admitted it to anybody else. I'm too afraid to do it. What happens if he doesn't feel the same way? I'll worry about that later, I decided.  
  
Abruptly i came to a stop. I saw Irvine and Selphie coming down the hall. I hurried and ducked around the corner.  
  
"…but Irvy," whined Selphie.   
  
"Sorry, Sel, but no," stated Irvine.   
  
I slowly let out my breath. I had forgotten that I was holding it.  
  
Thank, Hyne, they didn't see me. No offense to anybody, especially them, but they can be annoying. Even for me. I mean I know I can be annoying and a jerk and all, but by the Gods, it's like they're on speed or something. I was just glad that I didn't run into them.  
  
Slowly I got to the dorm that I was after. I punched in Zell's code and walked in.  
  
With a sigh of relief at the fact that zell wasn't home I packed all of his stuff. Even his Renzoukeken. I didn't know what he wanted. It wasn't as if he had a whole lot of things. Only a couple of outfits, a stereo, cds, a box, and of course his prized Renzoukeken. I scribbled a quick note to Zell like I did to Raijin. I put his stuff in with mine and headed to the dorm that I was gonna be sharing with Squall.  
  
Without any further events, I made it to the dorm. I punched in my code and walked in. b[5]/b what I saw pleased me. Squall all sprawled out on the bed. Hyne, he was so peaceful looking for a change.  
  
I went over to where he was and pulled off his combat boots. Those were a challenge all in themselves. I then found a throw blanket and laid it over his body. I swiped his bangs away and kissed his forehead.  
  
I went over to the bed. I took off my trench coat and sat on the bed to take my boots off. Slipping into unconsciousness, I thought of Squall.  
  
~*~  
  
iSquall/i  
  
  
  
I shifted slightly in bed and I felt warmth of the blanket. Excruciating pain shot up my right arm from laying on it.  
  
Whimpering and opening my eyes, I saw Seifer. He must of heard me whimpering or something and wanted to torture me even more. Instead I found gentle hands lifting me up. Just enough for him to slide behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and was gently rocking me to calm me. Right then I knew that I loved him.  
  
I instantly started to relax. I felt so safe being there wrapped in his strong arms. I know that that just might sound odd, but at the same time it felt right. I forgot everything while I was in his arms. I forgot why I tried to kill myself. I forgot about the stares and the scars. Everything except him.  
  
A sigh of contentment escaped from my lips. But Seifer thought it was something else.  
  
"What's wrong?" He turned me to face him. When I looked at his face, I was surprised to find worry there.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Please tell me, Squall."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Sighing and raking a hand through his hair said, "Because I'm worried about you and…and…"  
  
That was a first for Seifer. Worried about me and out of words to say.  
  
"And what, Seifer?"  
  
"And I love you, Squall!" He screamed out of frustration. He turned away from me and I could see the slight tears fall down his face.  
  
I put my hands on his face and made him look at me. With my thumbs I wiped away the tears.  
  
"Seifer, I love you too! Why were you worried about me?"  
  
"Dr. Kadowaki said that you had tried to kill yourself before. Several times. Why though?"  
  
"All anybody does I stare at me when all I wanted to do is be invisible. The scars from cutting myself so that I could feel and that I'm a disappointment to everybody. I just couldn't take it anymore."   
  
And then I kissed him!  
  
~*~  
  
iSeifer/i  
  
WOW! He talked more to me than he has to anyone or me in all of our lives. I learned more about him then I had knowing him our who lives. It was interesting.  
  
I learned that my Squally had some faults.  
  
Even though he wouldn't let me see his scars at first, he eventually did. I know that he thought that his scars were ugly, but to me they made him even more beautiful.  
  
After that we slowly became boyfriends. We taught each other stuff. We got to know each other.  
  
Not a whole lot of people were surprised that we hooked-up!  
  
************************************************************************************  
  
[1]- Nida doesn't pay much attention to Seifer except when needing sex.  
  
[2]- I figured that Seifer needed a real friend, so I gave him Zell to be friends with.  
  
[3]- Dr. Kadowaki already knew that Seifer was compatible with Squall.  
  
[4]- She never got far cuz she knew she'd get into trouble, too.  
  
[5]- Dr. Kadowaki gave him the code. 


End file.
